I have been absent from this blog for a while now and I do apologise for this. All I can say in my defence is that I have been extremely busy with client work. This is of course great news. I have also been focusing on some of my own personal writing projects too. Today I wanted to share a piece of my writing with you. This is a piece that was written in 1999 but a piece that I feel very proud of. It captures a lot of feelings that I had at the time and it is what I like to call conscious writing. Please feel free to leave your comments, good or bad.
Awakened Pain
It is gone, like the flowers of summer, one touch of frost and everything is gone. The beauty, the color and the picture of happiness, everything has faded and I feel numb. I continue to ask myself over and over how it could happen and why. We had shared happiness, we had shared laughter and now all that is left are those tears, the poor frightened girl sobbing uncontrollably, like a leaf in a gale force wind blowing and blowing until she fell. That brave front had been shattered and all that remained was the little girl inside crying for a love that was lost. A love that could never again be felt, death had stolen it from her and grief had consumed her. Hiding deep beneath the surface, the little girl had become suppressed and the woman you know had taken her place. A woman, shadowed by her past and yet still living.
What had you thought, I could only imagine. My world crumbled in front of you and yet I can still remember your soft comforting voice and the feeling you cared. Was this a charade, was this yet another part of the game we had embarked upon or did you really care, I would never know and so I ask myself why we had started it, what was it all about this game that had now ended, ended without a word. For there were no words left; no words could ever explain the events of that night. The pain, the tears, the suffering once suppressed, now at the forefront of my mind, now alive once more, uncovered by you. I guess I had always known deep inside that eventually it would all come out but not this way, not in front of you. This was my personal grief, a grief that only I knew and a grief I was not willing to share.
Six full years of emotions surfaced on that night and you saw her, the sad lonely girl hidden inside suffering so badly. Why did she surface? Why couldn’t she have remained hidden, why didn’t she stay buried, why? The tears flowed so freely, my pain was so clear; the love that was lost had all resurfaced on that one night. You saw my pain, you saw the hurt I carried, and all this hurt from one great love. A love that can never be forgotten for that love was the greatest love of all, the love of a little girl for her father. A man who had been her world, a man she thought was her hero, a man who destroyed her as he destroyed himself, a man who took a part of her with him when he ended his life, a man she called Dad.
Our game must end now. For never again can I let you inside, never again can you know my inner thoughts, my dreams or the love I feel for you. I can never be faced with the prospect of losing another; I can never relive that nightmare called death. I can never be told that I am once again alone, alone in life, alone in love. This little girl will cry no more.
Until next time,
Keep writing
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